Please Excuse the Following Rant.

(I've been out of work for an absolutely ridiculous amount of time. So I'll have to ask you to excuse the following, which is written out of sheer mindless frustration. I'm having a really bad month.)

I've read that archaeologists recently dug up a mysterious stone tablet in the Middle East. No one really knows for sure where it came from. Faintly visible on it is an inscription that roughly translates to, "Number eleven: Thou shalt not let Brian have money."

Seriously, these days, it seems that everyone wants money from me, but no one's willing to do anything that might run the risk of having to pay me. Not only can I not persuade an employer to hire me, but pretty much everything else I've tried to do for money has failed. Those Google ads? Those Shareapic galleries? Hardly producing a dime. Work-at-home gigs? Scams, one and all.

This, of course, does not stop a seemingly endless lineup of companies from demanding ridiculous amounts of money from me, without any indication of where in God's name I'm going to get all of that money from. I'm sick of being squeezed like this.

As a job seeker, I've heard the advice before that I should not give the impression of being desperate. The sad truth, though, is that I am desperate. My resources, to say nothing of my patience, are wearing extremely thin. I need someone to hire me. Sooner rather than later.

Notice that I said, "hire me:"

• Not, "Advertise positions that don't really exist, collect my resume and get my hopes up."
• Not, "Take my resume and then never bother to get back to me."
• Not, "Get my hopes up, tell me you'll be in touch, and then drop off the face of the Earth."
• Not, "String me along for three months, while telling me each week to call back the following week." (I had one prospective employer do this for a part-time position. I got in touch with him in March, and in June he was still stringing me along. I finally figured out that he wasn't going to hire. The fact that he posted a typo-ridden Craigslist ad in which he emphasized the importance of accuracy should have been a tip-off.)
• Not, "Try to sign me up with another MLM." I don't do MLMs. I don't consider it a legitimate business model if the participants make their money mainly from signing up new participants.
  
• Not, "Try to sell me something." I don't care what it is. I'm not buying.
• Not, "Try to scam me."

And for you IT recruiters who might read this? I'm a damn good programmer. Once I get up to speed, I can pseudocode in my head, code on the fly, and build a test prototype for you while you're arguing over who's going to run the program every day.
I can design and set up databases. I can write software manuals. I can train your end users. Hells, I can even do data entry if that's what you need.

All I need is a fighting chance.
Why is that so unreasonable?

Back with Books and Stuff

I hate for this blog to start turning into a beg-fest, especially considering how long it's been since I posted anything. But I'm at one of those places where money is getting very tight right now. Certainly I'm not going to ask for something for nothing, so let me draw your attention to a few things.

First, I've got a stack of antique books, which I've had advertised on Craigslist since they were new! (Okay, that's a slight exaggeration.)
The ad includes the following books:

Hill's Practical Reference Library (4 vols., 1904)
Rudyard Kipling's Verse Inclusive Edition 1885-1918 (1919 edition) (cover is taped)
History of the Hebrew Commonwealth by Albert Bailey, A.M. and Charles Kent, Ph.D,, Litt.D. (1920)
America for Me by Mary Margaret McBride (1941)
Dragon seed by Pearl S. Buck (1942)
"Wildcats" over Casablanca by Lt. M. T. Wordell, U.S.N. & Lt. E.N. Seiler, U.S.N.R (1943)
An American Bible, edited by Alice Hubbard (1946) (Note: This is a book about various historically prominent Americans, originally written in 1912.)
A History of Civilization, vol. 1 by Brinton, Christopher and Wolff (1958)

I asked $4 per volume. (For multi-volume sets, such as Hill's Reference Library, I'd have to ask more.) I thought that was reasonable, but unfortunately I'm getting no takers in the Cleveland area.
So I'm casting the net a little further. I'm willing to consider shipping these within the U.S., if anyone outside of the Cleveland area is interested in them.

(The Craigslist ad includes a 19-volume World Book Encyclopedia set from 1955, but I'm not going to try to ship that!)

Secondly, does anyone out there like science fiction? I've got a big stack of Analog magazines from the early 90s up into early 2003, with a few gaps here and there. (I let my subscription lapse, re-subscribed a few years later, then had to let it lapse again. This wasn't due to the quality of the magazine, which was always excellent. It simply became a luxury that I couldn't responsibly afford.)

Finally, there's another simple way to throw me a little help without having to spend any of your own money. Down below, you'll see a series of links labeled, "My Shareapic galleries." I've mentioned Shareapic before. This Website lets you set up free photo galleries, through which you get paid when people click on your pictures. Be warned that it's a tiny amount of money per click, which means that I need as many of you as possible to go there and click on those images! (And if you should decide that you'd like to join, and set up your own image galleries, here's a link for you to use.)

Old Writings: Code Warehouse Manual

In 2003, I applied to a creative position with an advertising agency. I wrote this to include with a collection of writing samples that I sent to them, in order to show them how versatile I could be. I never heard back from them.
I had planned to write a fictitious software manual, based on the manual for the last major project I worked on at my last IT job. But in the interest of not skirting the edges of my non-disclosure agreement, I wrote a manual for an entirely nonexistent application instead.
This is satire. Curiously enough, it did not start out as such. But I found myself in a satirical mood when I sat down to work on it. Even if nothing else comes from this, I still had a good time writing it.
Any resemblance between this material and any actual company or software package is pure coincidence.

ABC SOFTWARE COMPANY
CODE WAREHOUSE USER MANUAL

I. INTRODUCTION

The ABC Software Company recently found a unique way to deal with the rampant morale problems plaguing its programming staff: it fired them all. Not only did this put a stop to all of their whining about "reasonable expectations" and "keeping up with advances in technology," it also frightened the rest of the staff into stopping their whining and getting back to work. As a result, productivity skyrocketed.
Unfortunately, this decisive action had one small side effect. After all, a software company without a programming staff can hardly be expected to introduce new products within a reasonable time frame (the example of Microsoft notwithstanding).
Eventually, Management came to the conclusion that along with their crack team of marketing wizards, they needed someone who could produce actual, marketable code. So they hired a new set of developers – who, unfortunately, wasted little time in nurturing their own set of attitude problems. Like the original programming staff, these newcomers proved to be unproductive and disrespectful. After showing the boss for the fifth time how to copy a file, explaining to the vice president what “File Not Found” means, and trying to convince an end user that the application's CD-ROM won't play music if he puts it in his stereo, they spent the few remaining minutes each day complaining instead of coding.
As this second set of programmers quit in disgust one by one, one particular manager hit upon a brilliant scheme. He proposed that Management assign the remaining developer the task of creating an Application capable of filling all of ABC's programming needs. With a database containing every line of code ever written for the company, the Application would turn even the most computer-illiterate marketer into a coding genius. Given the most vague set of project specifications, the Application would be able string together just the right code to solve any problem. And it would do so without complaining or making unreasonable demands like, “Can't we go five minutes without a crisis around here?”
So the last programmer rose to the challenge, and labored long and hard on this project. Working through weekends and holidays, he overcame every obstacle in the pursuit of his goal. Crises were averted, issues raised and dealt with, and still he labored on. Slowly, steadily, the Application began to take form under his skilled hand.
Finally, eight months later, the Application was ready. Management put it through a battery of tests, giving it the most inane and illogical problems to solve. And the Application mastered every one in minutes.
And Management was pleased. They decreed that the Application would be known henceforth by the name Code Warehouse. And they saw that it was good.
Then they fired the programmer.

II. LOGGING IN AND ACCESS PERMISSIONS

As with all software intended for internal use, access permissions for Code Warehouse are based on employees' technical knowledge. That is, the more that you know about computers, the lower your level of access. Employees are thus unable to use Code Warehouse to steal ABC Software's proprietary code for personal use, as is clearly forbidden in your employee handbook. (See Section 18, “Causes Of Summary Termination.”)
Access permissions fall into one of five levels. The lowest is End User Access, in which you have access to the main screen, but all the buttons are disabled. From there, permissions steadily increase, up to Executive Access, where you have full access to the inner workings of the program and can do some real damage.
On starting the program, you will have five seconds to correctly enter your username and password into the login window. Employees who have forgotten their passwords should consult their Employee Handbook (See Section 27, “Don't Forget Your Password”) for further instructions.

III. ENTERING PROJECT SPECIFICATIONS

The first step to creating a Code Warehouse project is entry of project specifications. For those employees who have been with the company long enough to remember having human programmers at your beck and call, entering project specifications will probably be the hardest part of the process to become accustomed to. It is no longer sufficient to say, “I need this right now,” without specifying precisely what it is that you need.
On starting a new project, Code Warehouse will ask you a series of questions to determine what the requirements are for the application it is to create. Please try to answer all questions completely. Unlike our human programming staff, Code Warehouse does not have the ability to read your mind. You must provide a written description of what you need a Code Warehouse-produced application to do.
You may see an error message along the lines of “Incomplete specifications – please clarify further.” If this happens, you should close and re-start the program, and then enter the same specifications again. This meaningless message is the result of a bug that appeared spontaneously after the programmer was terminated. If you get the same message, repeat this process as often as necessary. Keep doing the same thing, and eventually the problem will go away by itself. Please consult Section 41, “We've Always Done It That Way,” of your Employee Handbook for further information.

IV. MODULE ASSEMBLY

After entering your product specifications, Code Warehouse is ready to begin Step 2, Module Assembly. The specific mechanics of this process will not be discussed here, for two reasons:

1. This is proprietary information. Ever since the Great Algorithm Betrayal of 1996, when Cecil the Treasonous was caught trying to explain to his grandmother how his latest program worked, the inner workings of all ABC applications are a closely guarded secret. See Section 75, “Loose Lips Sink Ships,” of your Employee Handbook for further information.
2. No one still working for ABC Software understands how Module Assembly works.

Click the button marked “Begin.” Then go get a cup of coffee or take a bathroom break. Better still, go to lunch. This may take a while, especially on Thursdays when the network is particularly unstable.
Some employees have reported coming back from lunch and seeing an error message reading, “Unable to begin – too many users connected.” Future versions of Code Warehouse will include multi-user access, which will alleviate this problem. (Employees who have wondered if we can – or should – use Code Warehouse to produce a future version of Code Warehouse itself should consult Section 25, “Questioning Equals Treason,” of their Employee Handbooks for further information.)

V. COMPILING A FINAL PROJECT

When the Module Assembly process eventually finishes, you will see the message, “Module Assembly Complete.” You are now ready for Step 3, Project Compilation.
Compilation is the process of converting the code modules created in Step 2 into an executable program. (Here's a tip: If you are unable to start an application, check the three-letter extension of the file on which you are double clicking. If the extension is .CWH, the file is a Code module and not an application. .EXE files are applications. .XLS files are top-secret information, not fit for mortal eyes to look upon.)
You may see an error message reading, “Needed File Not Found: .” Like all other proprietary applications written for use at ABC Software, the compiler needs access to the standard libraries stored at different locations on the network. These include L:\ServerDown\MissingFile.DLL and H:\Apps\NotThere\CorruptFile.DLL. If either of these files is not available, your Code Warehouse project cannot be compiled. Please try again later, but recall that your project deadline will not be pushed back due to a problem of this sort. See Section 96, "Excuses Are Not Tolerated," of your Employee Handbook for further information.

VI. FINAL THOUGHTS

As always, ABC Software prides itself on the quality of its products. Therefore, mistakes of any kind are not tolerated. See Section 21, “One Strike and You're Out,” in your Employee Handbook for further information.
Managers are encouraged to make copies of this document available for their staff. At the same time, however, you should remember and abide by ABC Software's non-disclosure policy as described in your Managers' Handbook. (See Section 11, “Give Me Your Wrist.”) Ideally, this manual should be kept under lock and key in your desk, along with your other ABC Software employee materials.
Good Luck and Happy Coding!

(2003)

Imperial Fleet Week

Okay, yes, as I've said before, I created this blog to be an online portfolio for whatever writing or cartooning samples I might happen to produce. The following doesn't fit into that category. I did not make this, I just found it on Current.com and thought it was cool enough to draw attention to:



Hopefully, this isn't a glimpse of what lies ahead for America!

A Quick Haiku

Safari users,
The setting is just for show:
"Block Pop-ups," doesn't.

Lord of the (Fruit) Flies

You know that old expression, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?" Well, it turns out that you can catch more fruit flies with pear juice than with vinegar.
Yes, sad to say, I've had a few uninvited houseguests to deal with. Those little bugs are far more annoying than the annual ant invasions of my childhood. Plus, I 'd swear that they're equipped with stealth technology. You try to swat them in midair, and they vanish right in front of your eyes!
I finally tired of jumping up and down repeatedly while clapping my hands over my head, every time I walked into the kitchen. So, now that I'm a member of eHow.com, I figured that there must be some information out there about how to fight back against a fruit fly invasion. In fact, I found several articles on that topic, from which I was able to plan my campaign to retake my kitchen:
1: Find a jar that you don't mind getting rid of.
2: Pour some vinegar into it, and add a few drops of dish detergent for reasons that my eHow sources did not explain fully.
3: Cover the open top with plastic wrap.
4: Poke a bunch of little holes in the wrap. The bugs will crawl in, and be unable to find their way back out.
5: On a whim, get another jar out and pour the leftover juice from a can of pear halves into it. Cover its top in the same way. (Okay, you can try using something other than canned-pear juice. If you must.)
At day's end, the pear juice jar trapped far more flies than the vinegar jar. That makes sense, I suppose; they are called FRUIT flies, after all, not VINEGAR flies.
And yet, the battle is not over. The last time I checked, a number of flies hadn't found the traps yet. I hope that that just means that the remaining flies are too dumb to find their way into the jars. If it means that they're getting too smart to fall for them, I may have a bigger problem . . .

Hello, I Really Have Been Writing . . .

. . . Just not here.
Yeah, this is one of those "I'm not dead" posts that you sometimes see on an inactive blog or webcomic.
I'm working on another project that isn't for this blog. It's still in the early stages of development, but I'm hopeful that I'll be able to bring it to fruition in the not too distant future. I'll let you know more about that when I've got something to report.
Also, I've set up an account with eHow. This website gives users a chance to share their knowledge by posting how-to articles on any topic. Want to learn how to check your oil? How to make your own homemade spaghetti sauce? This is the site you want to visit.
Although, to be honest, right now there aren't many subjects on which I'm confident enough in my knowledge to try to pass myself off as an authority. But trying to do simple tasks and screwing them up royally? I'm your man.
I've posted my first article here, based on a trick I learned last fall. Just thought I'd pass along a little hard-won knowledge. There's more where that came from!

Where'd My Words Go?

It's odd. I can write. I know I can.
Between 2003 and last year, I wrote any number of "news" articles for the Way of the Dodo site, not to mention the commentaries that accompanied most of the comics. At my last IT job, too many years ago now, I used to write software manuals for some of the more complex programs I created. Around that same time period, I was contributing regularly to the church newsletter. I've even finished the odd short story (although, again, it's been a while).
On top of all of that, I've participated in the National Novel Writing Month for the last four years running. True, I never even came close to any fifty thousand words.[1] But the word counts were there, and were positive numbers. My final word count last year was 32,310, if you really want to know.[2]
However, if you've been following this blog, I'm sure you'll have noticed a certain lack of activity here. I can hardly believe that it's been this long since I last updated.
Now, I have no difficulty writing per se. I can spend hours working on world-building or character development notes. I can list the topics I want to cover in an article that I might eventually get around to writing. Heck, I'm on volume five of the journal I started last year![3]
These days, though, it seems that whenever I sit down to write something that I expect other people to read - i.e.,something that's not my journal or an outline for my eyes only - then the well of words dries up like a . . . like a . . . like something that dries up . . . really fast.[4]
I created Four Thousand Characters to be an online portfolio of my writing samples. I created it to force myself to sit down and write on a regular basis. As I said in my first post, I envisioned a regular series of nonfiction articles on whatever topics tickled my fancy, and such short fiction as I could produce. Things most definitely have not gone according to plan.
Unfortunately, I've discovered what many aspiring writers before me have learned: the only thing easier than writing is not writing. I've gained a great deal of practice at not writing over the years. I'm an expert at not writing.
I can always find just the right distraction to prevent any actual productivity. Whether it's rummaging through the old files on my computer (again), or a little recreational Web surfing[5], there's always something I can be doing during writing time that isn't writing.[6]
Well, it's time to start writing again. I'm (still) out of work, so it's not like I can say I don't have the time. It's time to stop only thinking about having daily writing time, and start actually HAVING daily writing time. It's time to start exercising a little self discipline, and write something every day - even if it's crap that I delete right away.
And if there's nothing else, I can always start by writing about the writer's block. Just to prove that I really can write.

1 And what I did write consisted mostly of barely coherent rambling.
2 That represents a personal record. Every year I approach NaNo with the goal of beating the previous year's word count. So far I've achieved that, if nothing else, every year.
3 To be fair, I'm keeping the journal electronically, on the same antique PDA I use for this drivel. Volume divisions are entirely arbitrary.
4 See what I mean?
5 DSL is the procrastinator's best friend.
6 This applies to cartooning as well. I've got a load of half-finished cartoons lying around, that I just haven't done anything with.

Warning: Politics Ahead

A while back, I read an article about yet another government official taking yet another threatening posture toward Iran. I have to wonder if I'm the only one who finds such chest-beating disturbing. Apparently one unending quagmire of a Middle East invasion is not enough for some people.
I dealt with my frustration by jotting down a tongue-in-cheek list of my Top 10 reasons why we're probably going to invade Iran before too much longer. Since I haven't done much writing lately, I'm going to go ahead and post that list here:

10. It's urgent that the Bush Administration create another Mideast mess to make the job that much harder for either President Clinton or President Obama.
9. In case anything goes wrong, Fox News has already prepared a series of talking points to explain why it's Bill Clinton's fault.
8. The Iraq war has become too politically unpopular to secure more election victories for Republicans.
7. We need to distract people from listening to those darn scientists who won't shut up about that "global warming" stuff.
6. Long-term estimates suggest that our great-great-grandchildren may still have some money left over when they finally finish paying for the Iraq war.
5. We finally have that permanent U.S. military presence in the Middle East that the Project for a New American Century always wanted -- we may as well do something with it! (I'm not providing a link to PNAC. Just Google the phrase "Project for a New American Century.")
4. To the Religious Right's dismay, the Iraq war didn't lead directly to the Battle of Armageddon. (Yet.)
3. We still can't find that Bin Laden guy.
2. Those darn freedom-hating liberals just won't stop with all the Bush-bashing.

And the number one reason why we're probably going to invade Iran before too much longer:
1. The Iraq war isn't making enough money for Halliburton!

Sometimes These Things Just Write Themselves ...

As I've said before, GMail is pretty good at filtering Spam out of my inbox. All I have to do is glance over the contents of my Spam folder a couple of times a day, make sure there's nothing important in there (there usually isn't), and delete everything.
However, one item caught my eye this afternoon. With the exception of a few small omissions, I submit it here exactly as it appeared in my Spam -- page breaks, spelling, capitalization, and all. Tell me if you think this sounds like a legitimate offer:

{Name removed}
Incoperation
Baley House, Har Road
Sutton, Greater London SM1 4te United Kingdom
This is to inorm you that you have won a prize o(?00,000) IVE
HUNDRED THOUSAND GREAT BRITAIN POUNDS STERLINGS or the
month o eb.
2008
Lottery promotion ,which is organized by {Name removed} &
{Name removed}.
{Name removed}&{Name removed}, collects all the email
addresses o the
people that are active online. Among the millions that subscribed to
Yahoo and Hotmail we only select ive people every Month as our
winners
through electronic balloting System without the winner applying,we
congratulate you or being one o the persons selected.
PAYMENT O PRIZE AND CLAIM
You are to contact your Claims Agent on or beore your date o Claim,
Winners Shall be paid in accordance with his/her Settlement Centre.
{Name removed} Lottery Prize must be claimed no later than 15 days rom
date
o Draw Notiication ater the Draw date in which Prize was won.Any
prize not claimed within this period will be oreited.
These are your identiication numbers:
嚙達PRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=Get ed traic to your web site!"
Batch number.....................{removed}
Re number.......................{removed}
Winning number...................{removed}
These numbers all within your Location ile,you are requested to
contact EVENTS AGENT MANAGER,send your winning identiication
numbers
to
them at this contact address below.
(CONTACT EVENTS AGENT MANAGER)
{Name removed}
Email: {removed}

You are thereore advised to send the ollowing inormation to the
EVENTS AGENT to acilitate them and process the COURIER or your
money.
NAME:... ...................
AGE:.......................................
SEX:.......................................
ADDRESS:..............................
EMAIL:....................................
PHONE:...................................
OCCUPATION:.........................
COMPANY:..............................
NEXT O KIN...........................
STATE.....................................
COUNTRY:................................
NATIONALITY............................
Congratulations!! once again.


{Name removed}
Msn Secretary
{Name removed}
Online Co-ordinator

Snarky response #1: Well, I sure think they sound trustworthy. Don't you?
Snarky response #2: Imagine that -- I've won ?00,000 pounds! If I'm doing the math right, that works out to nearly !:# dollars.
Snarky response #3: I think I'll use my prize money to buy these guys a new "F" key.

Considering SlashMySearch? Here's a Quick Caveat

"MAKE MONEY ONLINE!"
"Earn $$$ while you brush your teeth!!"
"BIG BUX CAN BE YOURS!!! You don't even have to haul your lazy backside out of that chair! Click NOW!"
These days, it seems that the Internet is full of sites that promise to let you make money online, usually for little or no effort. You've got your work-at-home programs, legitimate and (all too often) not. You've got sites that claim to pay you to click on ads, take surveys, or sign up for other programs. (I've tried a few of these; I have yet to receive money from any of them.) Then there are the endless array of sites that promise to reveal some sure-fire money making secret, bury you in hype about how theirs is the only system that actually works, and then hit you up for money.
Like many people, I've been keeping my eyes peeled for something that actually makes money. In my present situation, any extra income would certainly be welcome.
So, from time to time, I'm planning to write reviews of online money makers that I've tried. The first of these is for the website SlashMySearch.com.
You've probably figured out that SlashMySearch is a search engine. This particular search engine, however, pays you for using it. After you sign up, your account is credited some small amount per hour that you use the site. When I signed up, the rate was $0.25 an hour. (Not a whole lot, I know, but in my situation, every little bit helps.) If you refer others to sign up, you are also credited to a lesser extent for your referrals' use.
There are other money makers on the site as well. You can sign up for an email account, called SlashMyMail. You can complete paid offers, signing up for credit cards and the like. Windows users can download a toolbar to their desktops. These optional activities are also credited to your account. Even without referring people, the money can pile up quickly.
Setup isn't very difficult at all. When you sign up for an account, you receive a customized URL that will redirect you to the site's home page. Set your browser's home page to that custom URL, and you'll see a little green dot in the bottom corner of the page. This tells you that everything is set up correctly.
I signed up in December of 2007. I soon made two important discoveries. First, the main page would automatically reload in Safari every few minutes. Second, as long as I kept a browser window open to the main page, my account was credited whether or not I was actively running searches the whole time. This was especially important, because the search engine itself performed very poorly. Most searches returned little or no useful information. I found it especially amusing when I did a SlashMySearch search on the word, "SlashMySearch," and it returned zero results.
In fact, the only features I found to be useful were the news feed on the main page, the personal account page where you check your balance, and the SlashMyMail email account. (You have to sign up for that separately. Its use is also credited to your account.)
On the downside, shortly after I registered, I found more spam flowing into my GMail account on a daily basis than I had gotten in the previous year. As it turns out, though, GMail is great at catching Spam. So this is only a minor inconvenience. (On a totally random side note, I deleted this paragraph several times during the Great Palm Desktop Rebellion of April 12-13, 2008. The software kept putting it back, so I've decided to leave it here. Remind me to tell you about the GPDR another time. For now, on with the review:)
Using these features almost exclusively, my balance had reached $45 by the week before Christmas. I figured that if nothing else, this money would at least cover gas for my upcoming holiday road trip. So I requested payment for the first time a few days before I was to leave. Instead of my $45, however, I received this message:

"This pay period is for January 1, 2007 through October 31, 2007. It may also include earlier pay periods if you were not eligible for a payment until now. You currently have $0.00 from this period. There is currently a $20 minimum balance requirement. If you do not have a balance exceeding $20, a payment will not be issued. Your earnings will continue to roll forward until you meet this requirement.
"You are not currently eligible for a payment. Your earnings will roll forward to next month. Remember to keep searching and try out new ways to earn on SlashMySearch.com to make more money."

I paid a visit to their forum, trying to get some idea of how long I would have to wait to see my money. I soon learned that I was not the only person having this problem. The forum was full of people complaining that they weren't being paid, or asking when they could expect payment. Many of them were also pushing their own favorite online money makers, usually by saying something like, "Try this -- it actually PAYS!"
(After some time, the SMS Powers That Be found a simple way to stop all the spamming and complaining: they shut the forum down. For months now, the forum has been replaced by a single page stating that they're replacing the forums with a new online community system. The page explains that this will be up and running soon. It does not, however, give any indication of what "soon" means in this context.)
As time passed, I continued to keep a browser window open to the SMS home page while I was online. I'd check the news, my stats and my emails from time to time. But most of the time, I just let it run in the background. In this way, I managed to raise my balance up over $400 by early March.
Finally, the long-awaited day came. SMS began paying users for the period ending February 29, 2008. This allowed me to request a check for $415.01 of the money I had earned. The "Request payment" page included a claim that my check would arrive in 5-14 business days. (Users have the option of receiving payment by check or PayPal. I chose "check," for reasons I no longer recall.)
I'm writing this in mid-April. My personal account page still claims that I was paid $415.01 on March 6. However, I have yet to see a dime of that money. I have emailed SMS' support address several times, trying to find out what's going on. I've gotten no reply. It's beginning to look like there is simply no one home at SlashMySearch. I would almost think that the site's founders started it up and then walked away, to leave it run on autopilot.
I have given up hope of receiving my check from them. They've stiffed me, plain and simple. That's my review of SlashMySearch in a nutshell. I signed up, used their site extensively, and trusted them to keep their word. And when the time came for them to pay what I had earned, they stiffed me.

Disclaimer: This review is based exclusively on my own experiences with SMS. I haven't spoken with any other users. Others may have entirely different stories to tell. Maybe someone out there has even been paid by them. (I would be very surprised.)

Have some Amateur Night Samples While You Wait

Well, I said I might post some cartoons as the mood struck me. It's striking, so I'm posting.
The following are part of my Amateur Night gallery on Shareapic.com. Amateur Night is a 2008 revival of a 2002 revival of an idea I've been carrying around in some form since the early 1990s. It was my first attempt at newspaper syndication, when I was trying to break into that field. And now it represents the last gasps of my interest in cartooning.
Anyway, here are the latest samples. I recycled a number of gags from Plan B, the last comic strip syndication package I put together in 2006. You can click on the thumbnails to see a larger image. Enjoy.

Edit: What the heck, I might as well post the earlier samples here as well.

Update on the Wal-Mart thing

To be honest, at first I wasn't too sure I should believe this news. After all, what day is this?

But CNN is now reporting that Wal-Mart has decided to back off and let the Shank family keep the money. You can find the article
here.

That's great news, and I applaud Wal-Mart for putting people ahead of money. See, guys? Doesn't that feel good?

Still, I have to wonder. The next time some big corporation decides to pull a stunt like this, will it take so much public outcry to get them to do the right thing?

Wal-Mart: How Low Can They Go?

Say that you're in charge of a multi-billion-with-a-b-dollar corporation. You've got stores around the world, with new ones opening almost daily. Your company's name is a household word. Sure, there's some criticism of your practices. You're getting a bad reputation in some circles. Critics harp on you over the way you treat your staff, where you get most of your merchandise from, things like that. But even so, you've got customers beating a path to the door. They can't get enough. Cash is coming out the proverbial wazoo. By corporation standards, life is good.

Now, suppose that you've got a former employee who was hit by a truck. This person is now permanently disabled. She's going to need round-the-clock care for the rest of her life.

Your health insurance plan has paid thousands of dollars for her hospitalization. Meanwhile, her family sued the company that owned the truck that hit her. Out of that settlement, the courts created a trust fund for the express purpose of paying for her care.

As it happens, your health care plan has a little-known clause that allows you to be reimbursed for the money you've spent on an employee's health care. True, you don't need the money. Remember the use above of phrases like "multi-billion-with-a-b-dollar corporation" and "rolling in cash."

But it's your money. You have a right to it. And after all, corporations exist primarily to make as much money as possible for their shareholders. So you feel entitled to go after it.

Simple, right? The corporation gets its money, the shareholders are happy, and all is well with the world.

Now let me turn that scenario around.

Say that you're the former employee of a multi-billion-with-a-b-dollar corporation. Your life changed forever on the day that you were hit by a truck. You can never work again. You will now require round-the-clock medical care for the rest of your life.

Your former employer's health care paid for your hospitalization. Meanwhile, your family sued the company that owned the truck that hit you. Out of that settlement, the courts created a trust fund for the express purpose of paying for your care.

Now suppose that your former employer comes back and says, "hold on -- that's OUR money!" Despite the outcry of public opinion, they drag your family into court to claim the money that is paying for your care, and more. You appeal and lose, appeal again and lose again.

Did I mention that without that money, it's anyone's guess as to how your family is going to keep paying for your care? You don't know it due to your brain damage, but your spouse has had to get a divorce so that you can get extra help from Medicaid. (This is apparently what corporations mean when they talk about "family values.")

Now put yourself in the shoes of the spouse. You were close to retirement. Now you've got to hold down two jobs in a desperate attempt to make ends meet. Your younger son can't afford college. Even after the help you've received from the settlement, you still owe great gobs of money to pay for medical bills. Creditors are circling. There's a good chance you're going to have to sell your house to try to pay off everything you owe.

No matter which way I look at this, I see a big, powerful corporation screwing a poor family. Is that America, now? Is that the freedom our founding fathers (not to mention the troops we've got stationed overseas right now) fought so hard for? The right of corporations to screw people over seven ways from Sunday?

Yes, I'm steamed about this. You should be, too.

A corporation is a person in the eyes of the law. If a rich man were to drag a poor family into court to sue them for every penny they had, I think we would regard that person as a callous, heartless monster, wouldn't we? So why are we letting a corporate "person" do exactly the same thing? Is that what we've come down to?

I'll close by saying this to Wal-Mart's various mouthpieces, apologists, and all-around talking heads: Wal-Mart may claim that what it's doing is "legal." It may have a "legal" right to screw the Shank family over. "Legal" does not mean "right."

Mr. Scott, I don't care what the "legal" thing is. Do the right thing. Get your hands out of the Shanks' pockets.

{Disclaimer: I have refrained from mentioned the fact that the Shank family recently lost a son in Iraq. That is by no means out of disrespect for his memory. The way I see it, that horrible loss is nevertheless not related to what Wal-Mart is doing to the Shank family. If Wal-Mart were not grabbing the money that the Shank family so desperately needs, Pfc. Shank would still be dead.}

Introductory Post: Oh, Boy, Another Guy With A Blog ...

So here I am, getting ready to join the twenty billion or so people with blogs or Livejournals or some such on this Internet thing. Which is especially scary when you consider that there are only a little over six billion people on Earth.
And yes, I freely admit that I'm one more wannabe writer who's latched onto the idea of using a blog as a creative outlet. So bear with me while I ramble a bit about what I've got planned for this space.
For years, I have harbored delusions of grandeur about writing science fiction. However, I have also had a little problem following through on my grand plans. Most of the time, I get so caught up in world-building that the stories set in those worlds never quite coalesce into something coherent, or publishable. ("Coherent" doesn't necessarily equal "publishable" -- and I've read a few books where "publishable" didn't equal "coherent!" Not naming any names here, just moving on now ... )
Anyway, somewhere along the line, I usually do one of the following:
a) Lose interest
b) Confuse myself
c) Get sidetracked by another project on which I want to work
d) Get smacked in the head by real life
e) All or some combination of the above
Of course, it must be pointed out that in recent years, my now inactive Webcomic, Way of the Dodo, has been the 800-pound gorilla of my creative efforts. That's http://dodocomic.comicgen.com, by the way. Sheesh. All the time that's passed since Dodo updated regularly, and I still couldn't let this pass without working in a plug for the comic!
Also, periodically (such as now), I veer into the idea of having a serious go at being a freelance writer in general. At times like this, my pile of often vague and incomplete story ideas sits side by side with a pile of often vague and incomplete nonfiction article ideas. In fact, some of these consist of little more than a note that says something like, "I should do some research on [insert topic] and see what I can write about it."
Hence, this blog. The plan is to write fiction or nonfiction, whatever I've got stuck in my head at the time*, in 4,000 characters or less. Why 4,000 characters, you ask? (No, I guess technically you didn't ask. But I'm going to tell you anyway. It's all part of my tendency to provide more information than my audience actually needs.)
I've got this antique Palm Pilot on which I do most of my writing these days. It gives me the advantages of writing electronically without being chained to the computer. At least, that was the theory. More often, I just do my writing on the desktop, do a quick HotSync, and take it with me.
Anyway, the Memo records have a 4,000 character limit. Which is not to say that I can't write something longer on it. It just means that some works in progress fill multiple records. But for this blog, I'm going to try to keep entries to one record, at least to start.
For you, it's a chance to watch the creative process in action. For me, it's a commitment that will (hopefully) push me to keep writing, instead of just intending to write.
Oh, by the way: I "plan" to update at least once, maybe occasionally twice a week. There may be the odd delay for research, writer's block, or real life issues.
However, the lesson of Way of the Dodo is that things don't always go according to plan. By which I mean that life can be readily relied on to laugh hysterically at your best-laid plans, before smashing them into little pieces and jumping on them.
As I did with Dodo, I start this project with high hopes. Chief among them is the hope that things will go a little better this time. Who knows? Four Thousand Characters might even start developing a little bit of a following over time.
Speaking of that 4,000 character limit, I'm getting pretty close to it now. So that's probably enough introductory rambling for the time being. Blog number twenty billion and one is now online.

*That may even include a few simple cartoons from time to time as the spirit moves me. And by "simple," I mean, "Not Dodo."